who knows me better than a stranger?
I took the kids to a barbecue at a friend’s house yesterday afternoon, and a work acquaintance of mine who was at the party told me that she had never realized I had kids. I was surprised to hear it, because I feel like I talk about my kids all the time, and I told her so. Then she floored me by saying, “yeah, I guess I thought you worked too much to have kids.”
I wasn’t really sure how to take it. My initial reaction was to be pissed off–this isn’t someone that I know particularly well, nor do I do a lot of work with her. I sort of joked it off by saying, “yeah, I’m sure the Bee would agree with you.” In retrospect, I’m not exactly sure why I got pissed off. After all, I had just spent the previous three days on a business trip, and had been thinking the exact same thing myself.
There’s a part of me that wants to believe that time spent on the road has no effect on my kids. Then there’s the part of me that knows that when I come home and the Bee writes me a note the next day that says, “I love my mom, she is the best!” that she’s partly doing that out of anxiety. (Although I am, of course, the best.)
I can’t stop going on the road for my job, but I can limit it as much as possible. It’s not that I want to give it up entirely, but I have spent far too much time working this summer. When I got into the kind of work that I do now, I almost always had a slow period in the summer, but lately it seems to have drifted away, and in some ways, the summers are more stressful than other times of the year.
I think one of the main reasons that I was so floored by this woman’s comment was because I do a lot of work with our mutual friend (who was hosting the party), and I spend an awful lot of time saying no to that friend. Over the course of the spring and summer, I’ve been refusing to go to an awful lot of meetings that she’s involved in, just because they happen after the normal business day has ended. I don’t mind working late, but usually it involves typing on my laptop after the kids are in bed, not sitting in a meeting when I could be having dinner with them.
HeatherJ replied:
I think the reason why comments like that bug me so much is that most of the time it is something you already know. An issue that you have been dealing with internally and possibly something you feel guilty about. It just makes me nuts when so know it all decides it is their right to make a comment like that in a public setting. It was just a rude thing to say in front of your family.
July 17, 2006 at 1:48 am. Permalink.
Jennifer replied:
I have a neighbor whose first & only child is the same age as my youngest. She quit working when she was pregnant and her husband has a great job that pays a lot and also allows him to work from home. The “pays a lot” part is rare in this town and it seems to me that she gloats over it. Maybe she’s just oblivious. Maybe I’m jealous.
Anyway, a few months ago she asked me point blank, “Do you work because you want to, or because you need the money?” I was shocked. It seemed like she was insulting my husband, first off; and then it seemed that she was implying that I’m a bad mother for having a job. But I just kind of laughed and said Both.
Later I came up with all kinds of comebacks, like: Do you stay home because you want to, or because you can’t find a job? But that’s just stupid. So I tried to figure out why she made me defensive. It could have been an innocent comment poorly phrased, right?
So, forget about it. People who know you in one context often have trouble seeing you in another. And — maybe it was really a kind of complement, that you do such wonderful work & seem so dedicated and yet are also (invisibly to her) a wonderful mother.
July 17, 2006 at 3:02 am. Permalink.
elise replied:
I’m with Jennifer, try to just forget it. I can see myself making a “stupid” comment like that yet not meaning anything bad by it. Even if she meant it as a put down, it really would be more about her than you anyway. It sounds like it is an issue that you grapple with internally so chances are you are sensitive to it. The way I look at it, it is an issue you should be thinking about. Both sides are always going to want more from you so you will be constantly making choices whenther to work or spend time with your kids. The trick is to be at peace with your decisions….easier said than done!!
If its any consolation my kids don’t seem to get enough of me and as you know, I don’t work. Right now I am on the computer and the two kids that are awake are in the same room with me watching the 13 inch tv instead of the 27 inch tv upstairs just so they can be with me…its actually a big joke that they constantly follow me around. No matter what room I’m in I usually have 3 kids, 1 husband, 1 dog and three cats with me….kid number three just woke up and is sitting on the floor right next to me!
July 17, 2006 at 8:44 am. Permalink.
Jay replied:
It is hard on kids when parents are away, but the most important part is to spend good time with them when you are home so they remember your presence, not your absence.
July 17, 2006 at 2:02 pm. Permalink.
Kate the Shrew replied:
I agree with Elise, that kids will happily absorb all the time you offer no matter how much it is and then complain that there isn’t more.
When I was a working mom, I certainly felt like I didn’t have enough time and energy to offer her, but I feel the same way now that I’m at home with her, unless I let the chores go undone, and never take a sanity break. I think it’s the default mom state.
July 17, 2006 at 7:32 pm. Permalink.
chip replied:
I wonder if she would ever have said that to a guy??
July 17, 2006 at 7:42 pm. Permalink.
MetroDad replied:
As I like to say (in order to assuage my guilt for working/travelling), it’s quality that counts, not quantity.
July 18, 2006 at 10:12 am. Permalink.
Alexandra replied:
I agree with MD. My mom stayed at home while my dad worked a lot and often went on trips. Yet, he made a much deeper impact in my life in terms of example and life lessons and I have a far better relationship with him then I ever did with my mom.
July 18, 2006 at 11:35 am. Permalink.
Anjali replied:
I know why I would have been offended by such a comment — because it makes very unfair assumptions, such as, that your family comes second after your job, and that your kids are suffering for it. Also, it assumes that one can’t be a good worker and have children. It encapsulates stereotypes about what society believes mothers can and should do in or out of the workforce. Perhaps I’m reading too much into it, but I find it judgmental, nonetheless.
July 18, 2006 at 1:54 pm. Permalink.