truth may be the first casualty, but it’s not alone
I’m feeling really unhappy about the country that I’m bringing my kids up in right now. I was talking to a co-worker yesterday about it, and she made the point that it’s a sick society that preys on its own children. Over the last few weeks, there’s been the whole Mark Foley situation, where someone who purported to be protecting children was in fact preying on them. Then there’s been the two separate incidents of men taking school girls hostage, with sexual misdeeds in mind.
I’m very depressed about all these things, so I was really unhappy today to see this story.
I don’t want a war with Iran. I didn’t want a war with Iraq, or Afghanistan either, to be perfectly clear. I don’t think it’s making the world safer for my children–I think it’s making it worse. And not just worse because it’s less safe with other countries–it’s less safe because we’re turning into an international bully, and when we do that, we’re sending a message that bullying behavior is okay.
That’s a bad message for adults to hear, and a worse message for kids growing up. We’re creating a completely militarized culture, and it’s my belief that by beating the drums for war, we tell kids that war is the normal state, not something that should be avoided at all costs.
So here’s my question for you, internets: how do you create a culture of peace at home, when live in a culture of war? How do you teach your children to resolve differences peacefully, when they don’t see the leaders of our country doing that?
Leggy said,
October 4, 2006 at 11:47 am
God I wish I knew. I have this child that is fascinated with all things weaponry. My efforts to show him how much I disapproved of those things only ended up making him feel like I disapproved of him. So I backed off, and his confidence level is better, but it makes me cring the way he constantly shoots or weilds a sword, etc.
Let me know if you find the magic answer.
Deidre Aufiero said,
October 4, 2006 at 12:53 pm
My children are too young (4 1/2 & 1 1/2) to know about what’s going on in the wider world, but they are not too young for us to already be dealing with bullying behavior, issues of morality, and (what I consider to be a) genetic predisposition for modify tools into weaponry.
I’m a strong believer that what is spoken and modeled in the home are the behaviors and beliefs that will inform our children. To most kids, their parents are their heroes and role models, and our decisions are equally, if not more important to them, than those of the powerful or famous.
It becomes obvious at a fairly young age that life is full of choices and consequences. I think they can begin to understand that even adults make wrong choices, and as a mindful parent, if you are available to talk to them about what is happening, why you think it is right or wrong, what can be done (at any level) to improve the situation, then you are doing your best to create an open, thinking mind. What more can you hope for?
Michelle said,
October 4, 2006 at 3:43 pm
It can’t come in if you don’t let it in–via the t.v., internet, x box, cable, radio, etc. Not that I’m suggesting rid your house of these items completely, but so much of the bad stuff out there gets in because we flip a switch. I’m constantly feeling like a policeman over all things electronic and it’s really not easy to regulate but I think it’s making a difference in the level of sex/violence/sensationalism that my children are exposed to.
jay said,
October 4, 2006 at 7:29 pm
I feel very badly that anyone has to grow up in this.
Phil said,
October 4, 2006 at 8:25 pm
We don’t watch TV news. That takes care of a lot of the problem. We just don’t dwell on it with the kids. I also emphasize the good in the world all the time. They don’t get a steady stream of negativity from me, although I have been known to be quite cynical at times… Gotta keep that side of my personality in check around the kids. And last, we’re very truthful with the kids. We tell them that the USA is one of the greatest countries in the short history of mankind, but that even this great country makes huge mistakes sometimes.
Jennifer said,
October 4, 2006 at 9:34 pm
Interesting question, Landismom.
My son is dealing with a bully in his daycare. Did I mention this to you before? I can’t remember… Anyway, this kid is actually my son’s closest friend and the kid he’s known the longest. The kid has always been agressive and lately its escalated. He hit Blake so hard the wind was knocked out of him!
So we are dealing with unchecked agression right now, among the 4-year-old set. We have talked about walking away, about communicating clearly, about one’s ability to choose different friends. Every last one of us secretly hopes that my son decks the other kid, just once, but we can’t espouse that as a good choice, obviously… The other kid is also being counselled on correct behavior.
It’s a long road.
You know what I find interesting? That in daycare and preschool and in most of the parks around town, kids are constantly told to Use Your Words Correctly and don’t hit/bite/scratch/push/yell. And yet our gov’t does the latter. It’s schizophrenic.
Kimmers said,
October 5, 2006 at 12:30 pm
For a second I thougt I already responded. Leggy and I must be sharing a kid.
We don’t have a TV, and we even shield him from radio (NPR) news. Yet he still loves weapons and is still very curious about the war we are in right now. We’ve always answered his quesitons as best we could in an age-appropriate manner.
I think the lowest point for me was when my brand-new kindergartener came home and told me “the reason we’re fighting the Iraqi people is because they knocked down two buildings.” Now we never talked about 9/11 with him, and it took me a second to untangle what he was saying. But how do you go about and try to undo one of his classmate’s (and possibly that classmate’s parents’) misunderstandings? Um, we’re not technically fighting the Iraqi. Um, it was not Iraqi that knocked down the buildings. Um, it was a bit more complicated than just two buildings getting knocked down. Sigh.
Jennifer said,
October 5, 2006 at 12:48 pm
I was thinking about this last night. (Insomnia when my husband’s away, sigh) I can’t believe I actually said that I hope my kid punches the other kid. That’s not right. I would be *horrified* to see my son hurt another child. I do however wish that he would stand up, stand firm, and say, “I don’t like that. Stop doing that. If you don’t stop, I’ll tell the teacher” — or whatever consequence makes sense in a 4-year-old’s mind.
Which is also what I’d rather have our gov’t do. Diplomacy, folks.
jackie said,
October 5, 2006 at 1:52 pm
So far my approach has been to keep my kids in a little pacifist bubble where they don’t know anything about wars– but then, that’s my privilege to do so, right? Since I’m privileged enough to live in a country that’s not under direct attack? Sigh. Also, since they’re only 4, and still in preschool, I don’t anticipate much of the current political climate entering their world for a little while yet.
I do try and teach them as many peaceful behaviors and strategies as possible, but soon, I worry the tougher questions are coming, and I just don’t know how I’ll deal with it yet.
elise said,
October 6, 2006 at 6:52 am
I get the award for the bad mother of the year because I tell my kids the president is an idiot.
HeatherJ said,
October 6, 2006 at 12:51 pm
My kids are still little and I do shield them from the outside world. They do not need to know about the war, but we do talk about why people are sometimes mean to other people. We also talk a lot about scary monsters that our four year old seems to think about quite a bit. We have a whole story about monsters only being scary because no one wants to sit down and be their friend. Sometimes monsters need hugs and love. I mean isn’t that true of most bullies. It is their way of getting attention, it might not be the greatest kind of attention but it works for them. It might be a very simple way of addressing the issue, but for our four year old it works. She is very compassionate towards all of her preschool classmates, I hope she never loses that.
I feel that the biggest monsters out there right now are the ones that make up the Executive Office of the US. I am scared more for my kids than myself of what might happen. I am scared of what the world will be like when they are older. I am scared that another election will tack on four more years of hatred. The longer these “wars” go on in the name of democracy the more enemies we make. The thing that I am scared of most of all is the possibility that my kids might see a war fought on our soil. I can’t even imagine, how do you protect your kids from that?
Jeremy Adam Smith said,
October 6, 2006 at 3:59 pm
I think the way you create a culture of peace is by opposing war. You have to foster a culture in your home that understands itself to be fundamentally at odds with the larger culture: in this, you can tap a child’s propensity for independence and rebellion. You have to make it clear to your kids that you reject those images on TV and that you don’t support the leaders who are committing such acts or compelling others to commit them. You have to take your kids to peace demonstrations. You have to vote and tell your kids why you voted the way you did, even if they don’t seem to care. They might remember someday.
Some say that human beings are born killers, that it’s part of our nature. We see our boys and some girls play with guns, against our will and values, and we take this as evidence we are born to kill.
But it’s an empirical fact that people must be trained to kill; as a species, we are by and large extremely reluctant to engage in violent, offensive acts in a military context (as opposed to defending yourself against a criminal assault). “The vast majority of combatants throughout history, at the moment of truth when they could and should kill the enemy, have found themselves to be ‘conscientious objectors,” writes Lt. Col. Dave Grossman in his book “On Killing.” Firing rates (discharging a weapon at an exposed enemy on command) in all wars up to WWII were actually very low. But thanks to a program of desensitization, conditioning, and denial defense mechanisms, in Korea the firing rate increased to 55 percent. In Vietnam, the firing rate rose to 95 percent, which resulted in a truly horrific number of Vietnamese military and civilian casualties – nearly 2 million, by one count. It also resulted in many incidents of severe psychological trauma for American soldiers, and the rate of post-traumatic stress disorder rose as dramatically as the firing rate. Americans are skilled in turning young men into killers, but we’re ashamed them, meaning, ashamed of ourselves. When they return, we treat them like dirt.
My point is that killers are made, not born. Yes, they are probably people who are born with a headful of bad wiring; such monsters are a tiny, tiny minority. Most killers are brutalized into killing, by cirumstance or design. Sure, kids play with guns. Kids hit and bully each other. But as Chip blogged over at Daddy Dialectic, kids learn, with the help of their parents, to make distinctions between fantasy and reality - which is precisely what our President is failing to do.
Comfort Addict said,
October 8, 2006 at 9:36 pm
I think that the important thing is to teach by example. Live the ethics you teach and point to others (the Dalai Lama, historical and current exemplars of virtue) who illustrate your point.
If your child is old enough to feel uneasy about the contradiction between your teaching and what they see in the world, tell them that adults, like kids, make mistakes. Every person is worthy of respect but leaders can fail. Their job, as citizens of humanity, is told hold everyone (themselves first) to account and make the planet a harmonious place.