I was not angry since I came to France, until this instant

Today is one of the angriest days I’ve had in this whole separation.

I’ve had the kids all weekend, which means landisdad is coming here for dinner (per our new normal–the parent with whom the kids spend the weekend hosts Sunday dinner). And I am so fucking angry I will barely be able to look at him.

I spend a lot of time trying not to think about how mad I am about this whole situation. Not trying to think about the things he couldn’t or wouldn’t change about himself, about the things he couldn’t or wouldn’t learn to accept about me.

The marriage is over. I’m moving on. There’s not a lot of point about continuing to be angry all the time. Some things are never getting resolved, and in the interest of our children’s future happiness & strength, we need to avoid having the  kind of conflict that happens when one partner decides they have to be the victor, that there has to be some kind of resolution that involves a winner and a loser.

Today, I’m struggling hard against that feeling, though.

Struggling not to feel resentful about all the things that went wrong that were his fault.

Struggling not to feel resentful about the fact that our daughter felt like she had to make me pancakes for breakfast, because he wasn’t here to do it (or I wasn’t there, to be ‘like it normally is’).

Struggling not to feel angry about the fact that my son has to worry that I am lonely in my new apartment, and to wish that he had enough money to buy me a big house to live in so I don’t feel cramped.

And yes, though I am loathe to admit it, even to myself, struggling not to feel resentful about the fact that he didn’t help the kids figure out some kind of way of celebrating, as he has every other year. In a year that we are supposed to be trying to figure out how to create as much stability as possible, he utterly failed to behave like he has every other year.

My daughter wrote me a song for Mother’s Day, and played it on her guitar. And it was beautiful. And my son wrote a long card for me at school, which while somewhat heartbreaking, was also beautiful.  I’m trying to focus on those positive, wonderful things.

But it’s hard to get past the anger.

We have another appointment with the mediator tomorrow, and we’re supposed to be making our parenting plan. Instead, I’d like to spend that hour & a half yelling at him. But I suppose that would be a ginormous waste of $450.

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May 8, 2011. separation.

6 Comments

  1. Jackie replied:

    Thinking of you, landismom, and sending you all my best thoughts and luck to get over these bumps in the road.

  2. Becca replied:

    Feeling angry is so hard, even when it is righteously justified. I think if it costs $450 to get this off your chest, it will be money well spent, and will probably save you time in mediation down the line. Sorry you all have to go through all of this, but really impressed by how you are continuing to put the children foremost, even and alongside your anger. (Then again, flying footwear might do the same work as $450 of mediation, and cheaper too.)

  3. Library Lady replied:

    I admire you for putting their needs first–would t’were that my ex-sister-in-laws had done so for THEIR kids. But that anger will eat you up if it doesn’t come out, and a mediated situation is going to be these best place for that. Your need to do so is necessary in order to fulfill their needs.

    I’m glad both of them rose to the occasion and that even if the Potato’s feelings make you sad, they are there to be seen. Hang in there, and may next Mother’s Day be a far, far, happier occasion.

  4. thordora replied:

    You know with mine, I flat out told him at first that there would be MUCH YELLING. And there was. I was pissed, for many of the same reasons. Because he could never man up and change, never meet me half way, never really engage. Mine was half way out well before he said the words.

    I’m not so angry now. But I remember the supreme satisfaction in trapping him in a corner and yelling for 20 minutes, just to get it out. Just so he knew what I thought of him. Did it help “us”? Not directly, but it helped “us” get to where we are now, him for dinner most Sunday’s so the kids still get us as their parents getting along, having rational yet fucked up discussions about “gee, we should actually file for divorce sometime”, and just being able to be friends, as we likely should have been in the first place.

    Some of this has taken me realizing he will never change, and that for some stuff, it just doesn’t matter. But man, that first little while is so hard, especially when the kids break your heart too. 😦

    And with the holiday stuff, I found, in my case at least, it took the pressure off. I knew he wouldn’t get them to do stuff, and I just didn’t care anymore.

    You’ll get there. Hugs and good thoughts until it doesn’t suck quite so bad.

  5. Elise replied:

    Just because misery loves company and it will feel good for me to get this out:

    I am still “happily” married and yesterday my husband and three kids did not acknowledge Mother’s Day at all. No special breakfast, no gift, no card, no starting the day by saying “Happy Mother’s Day”, no special treatment at all. At 7:00 pm after it was obvious that I was unhappy, one daughter offered a Happy Mother’s day via email….

    I suspect my kids are just taking me for granted and my husband is making a statement.

    I am a little bit angry but mostly I just feel sad and stupid. Sad for obvious reasons and stupid because I actually thought they would do something.

  6. Susan replied:

    I hope your mediator session today goes well.. so sorry that this weekend was so hard.

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