hunger for the thing one cannot have

I had every intention of writing a decent, thoughtful post today, but life intervened. I stayed out late last night, when my SIL and I became the last people in the US to see Brokeback Mountain, and then was woken early this morning by the Bee, who came in to our room complaining of an upset stomach. Today was landisdad’s first weekend day of work, and I had planned to do some gardening with the kids. Instead, I spent the morning trying to keep the Potato from climbing on the Bee’s vomit-covered sheets, and convincing the Bee that she’d feel a lot better if she let me wash her puky hair. And they say there’s no glamor in the life of working women these days.

After a somewhat difficult morning, the Potato (who’s been on nap strike since we took away his afternoon binky) finally held out One Day Longer than his mother. Yes, I caved. I gave in on the pacifier. I’m sure that he’ll be taking one to college, at this point. I think we’re going to have to just go cold turkey, and throw all the things out, but boy howdy was I glad I had one this afternoon, because he finally. Took. A. Nap. And now we’re spending the rest of the afternoon watching Spongebob, instead of going to the open house for a summer day camp that the Bee might attend.

Oh my god, this post is so boring I’m falling asleep.

I guess the problem is that the thing that I really want to write about is my reaction to the movie, and I’m somewhat conflicted about doing that. Because my reaction was extremely shallow. It’s a great movie, don’t get me wrong. But mostly, it made me depressed, not because of the awfulness of those two men living in the closet (although that is depressing), but because I can’t imagine I will ever again have the kind of bottomless hunger for another person that those two characters displayed for each other.

Is it wrong that I feel nostalgic for torrid love affairs gone by? Perhaps.

I have a wonderful husband, and beautiful children. I wouldn’t trade my life with anyone’s.

But I remember what it’s like to hunger for the thing you cannot have, and then to briefly taste it. That’s probably never going to happen to me again, and I’m missing it a little bit today.


March 5, 2006. random other things.


  1. Anne replied:

    I don’t think that’s a shallow reaction. I haven’t seen the movie, but I imagine that much of its power is that it demonstrates the passion that two people can have for each other, passion that overwhelms societal mores.

    I too regret that I will likely never experience such overwhelming passion again. I am comfortable, yes, but a little sad too.

  2. workinmom replied:

    Right back at ya. I miss that intensity, too, even though I wouldn’t switch my life with anyone else’s either. Must be mid-life crisis, at least that’s what I’m telling myself. And maybe that’s why there are movies….

  3. Jennifer replied:

    Oh, I know what you mean. My husband travels for work about 1 week in six, and while I don’t like it I also do, because on the first night he’s back, I feel passionate (in the overwhelming way you describe) toward him again.

    By the way, I haven’t seen Brokeback Mountain, either!

  4. chichimama replied:

    So sorry to hear about the sickies.

    And what a great way of describing what I feel sometimes too. Now I think I will delay seeing the movie a little bit longer…you summed up what a lot of people felt but couldn’t quite describe to me.

  5. kdubs replied:

    Wow. You’re the second person in blog land to say that! How long have you been married?

    I know it’s amazing to remember hungering after another. The hubby and I just got married but it’s hard to hunger when you already have little people to chase LOL…. sigh. I guess it’s just an awesome feeling if you’ve married the person you once hungered after… does that make sense? No coffee yet LOL.

  6. elise replied:

    Talk about a shallow reaction, my reaction to this post is that I can’t stop focusing on the topic of the binky…ha ha! Really, I just want to make you feel better and let you know that both my girls were approximately 5 YEARS OLD when they finally gave it up for good! I had tried to take it away from my older one at around 3 years old (she WANTED to give it up) and she began having night terrors (screaming in the middle of the night while asleep) so I gave it back to her. (Thomas sucked his fingers until 8 1/2 years old) I can tell you, there was absolutely NO HARM DONE! I’m glad I did not stress too much about taking it away. After awhile, I did tell them to use it only at night and then explained to them that some other people get all weird about making kids give up their binkies so they should not blab about it unless they wanted to listen to people gasp.

  7. Suzanne replied:

    I’ve read the story but haven’t seen the movie. I often have that reaction when I see movies that address passion. I especially feel wistful about first kisses and about falling in love. My marriage is terrific, but still…

  8. christie replied:

    time to go vote!

  9. Daydreams and Musings replied:

    I haven’t seen it yet but I want to – I think I’ll have to wait until it’s on DVD, though! I remember that hunger and I miss it too in a way. I think you hit it when you noted that it’s a hunger for something you can’t have. In a way we “have” our spouses, so no matter how deeply we love them, the need and the passion just aren’t the same. I don’t think that’s a shallow reaction at all.

    Sorry about the tough day. I don’t blame you one bit for giving into the power of the binky. And it won’t be your fault if he takes it with him to college – at that point, they make their own decisions!

  10. Karen replied:

    You hit the nail on the head! I feel that way whenever I see a movie that depicts the URGENCY of newfound love/passion. I\’ve been married 17 years and love my husband to death, I don\’t for one second regret anything about our life, but I still hear you loud and clear….

  11. chip replied:

    you know, when you least expect it sometimes it just happens out of the blue… like Potato’s binky. BTW the tradeoff of an 18 year old going to college with a binky vs. afternoon nap is absolutely definitely worth it!!

  12. Jessica replied:

    WOW, I just saw that you moved onto wordpress 🙂 I LOVE it. I just moved mine back today since I can afford the hosting again. LOL! I’ll have to come back and check up on everything going on…. I haven’t been making my blogroll rounds as much right now :). Later!

  13. Comfort Addict replied:

    Yep, I’ve been there. However, if I think just a little while longer, I remember the insanity that goes along with the heat.

  14. Mere replied:

    Not the last two people… I still haven’t seen it. Bad lesbian! LOL!

    BTW, we still have a paci at age 3 – I feel your pain.

  15. Ashley replied:

    I miss the intensity but not (as Comfort Addict mentioned) the insanity that goes with it. I’ll stick with what I’ve got and skip Brokeback Mountain as I don’t like being depressed.

  16. Comfort Addict replied:

    I just saw Brokeback Mountain tonight with Mrs. CA. It was a good film (although not the knock-your-socks-off experience that I expected). I felt Heath Ledger’s character’s pain much more intensely because he realized that society would never let him express his love but his heart could not let it go.

  17. Becca replied:

    Many years ago, I realized that I would (hopefully) never again experience that moment of absolute clarity that a kiss is about to happen, right before it actually does, and I felt such a loss, because really that is such a perfect moment. (I mean, now I get kissed all the time, but the pre-kiss clarity gains its charge from the anxiety that precedes it, and there is no longer any anxiety that I won’t get kissed, which I suppose should be good, but hey, desire is twisted, just ask Lacan.)

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